Various Free Resources
Mortimer Skit made in Penelope’s Teen Ventriloquist Class.
Ventriloquist~Hi Mortimer
Mortimer~snore
Ventriloquist~Mortimer
Mortimer~ Ah hi, (Ventriloquist's Name
Mortimer~Snore.
Ventriloquist~What's the matter?
Mortimer~I've gone back to school, night school.
Ventriloquist~I'm so proud of you for striving to better yourself.
Mortimer~Yep, but it ain’t working.
Ventriloquist~It's not working.
Mortimer~Nope, my teacher is dumber than dirt.
She don't teach me nutin.
Ventriloquist~You mean she doesn't teach you anything.
Mortimer~Yep, she don't teach me nuting.
Ventriloquist~I'm talking about grammar.
Mortimer~And I'm talking about Mrs. McGillicuddy and the fact that she ain't not teaching me nothing. This is serious.
Ventriloquist~Well, my grandma says that you can lead a horse to water, but you
can't make him drink.
Mortimer~Are you calling me a horse?
Ventriloquist~No, no of course not. It’s a proverb.
Mortimer~A proverb?
Ventriloquist~A proverb, a pithy statement of wisdom passed down from person to person.
Mortimer~That's easy for you to say, a pithy statement of wisdom passed down from
person to person, don't you know vent figures can't say ps.
Ventriloquist~Anyway it means that a teacher may tell you what you should learn, but you are the
one who has to learn it.
Mortimer~I don't like that—really.
Ventriloquist~Well, maybe I can help you. What's the problem?
Mortimer~School, schools my problem.
Ventriloquist~I mean, what is the most difficult subject you have?
Mortimer~Math
Ventriloquist~What kind of math are you doing?
Mortimer~Something called fractions.
Ventriloquist~Oh, factions—they are just a part of something.
Mortimer~Yeah, a part of something I don't like, I don't understand, and I'm never going to learn.
Ventriloquist~Now, Mortimer, be positive.
Mortimer~Oh, I've never been more positive in my life
Ventriloquist~Let me see if I can help you. Let's say we have two pies.
Mortimer~What kind of pies?
Ventriloquist~It doesn't matter what kind of pies.
Mortimer~It matters to me.
Ok, one is an apple, and one is a cherry.
Mortimer~No chocolate?
Ventriloquist~No Mortimer, now listen.
Say we cut each pie into five parts.
How many parts do we have in all?
Mortimer counts taking a long time.
Eight, eight pieces.
Ventriloquist~What happened to the other two pieces?
Mortimer~I ate em, one apple and one cherry.
Ventriloquist~Now stop that—this is just an example.
How many pieces do we have in all?
Mortimer~Ten, ten pieces.
Ventriloquist~That's right.
Ventriloquist~Now we will go the other way.
Mortimer~You can do that?
Ventriloquist~Yes, yes you can.
Ventriloquist~Let's say you have ten pieces of pie. You have five pieces in each pie,
How many pies do you have in all?
Mortimer~He takes a long time counting—"None."
Ventriloquist~What happened to the pies?
Mortimer~ I ate 'th'em.
Ventriloquist~Moritmer—say goodbye Moritimer
Mortimer~Goodbye Mortimer.
Contact me if you would like another example of a vent script you can use or you can use as a model.
Ventriloquist Script, Based on a Joke about a Teacher
Mail to : Penelope Torribio
Ventriloquist~ Hello Charlie
Charlie~ Hi Penelope or (ventriloquist’s name
Ventriloquist~ How are you doing?
Charlie~ Great, thank you.
Ventriloquist~ Charlie come back here
Your teacher says that you have problems at school.
Charlie~ That is true, I have lots of problems at school, math problems
social studies problems, all kinds of problems.
Ventriloquist~ No I mean, you have problems in school, and she says that you
are always late.
Charlie~ That’s not true on January 31…..
Ventriloquist~ Charlie!
Charlie you have to get to school on time.
Charlie~ Why do I have to change? Why can’t they start school later when I’m rested?
Ventriloquist~Charlie, going to school is your job.
Charlie~ Yeah, well, I’m looking for another one.
Ventriloquist~ Now I want you to get up every day and go straight to school
Charlie~E ven on Saturday and Sunday?
Ventriloquist~ No, Monday through Friday, get up and go straight to school.
Charlie~I n my pajamas?
Ventriloquist~ No not in your pajamas.
Get dressed and go to school
Charlie~ Without eating? With no breakfast?
Help,she’s trying to starve me—call social services.
Ventriloquist~ Get up, get dressed, brush your teeth,
eat breakfast, and go to school.
Charlie~ No kiss. Oh. Hi (Charlie notices the audience.
Hey! Hi guys. I would like to tell a joke.
Ventriloquist~ Ok, tell the nice boys and girls a joke
Charlie looks around the room.
Ventriloquist~ Charlie, what are you doing?
Charlie~ I’m trying to find the nice boys and girls, it isn’t easy you know.
Ventriloquist~ Charlie they are all nice, now tell your joke.
Charlie~ Ok. Knock knock.
Ventriloquist~ Whose there?
Charlie~ Ohhhhh.
Ventriloquist~ Ohhhh who?
Charlie~ No! I’ve forgotten the joke.
Ventriloquist~ Ok, why don’t I tell you a joke?
Charlie~ Ok.
Ventriloquist~ Why did the pigs refuse to listen to their teacher?
Charlie~ Ah, is that the three little pigs or this little piggy
went o market, this piggy,
Ventriloquist~ No, it is just pigs
Charlie~ Or is it this little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed
Ventriloquist~ Charlie, you are ruining the joke.
Charlie~ Ok. Why?
Ventriloquist~ Because they thought he was a big boar.
Charlie~ Ha Ha Ha. I don’t get it.
Ventriloquist~ OK. A pig is sometimes called a boar, b o a r.
And someone who kind of puts you to sleep while they’re talking
is a bore b.o.r.e.
Charlie~ Well, my teacher is a pig.
Ventriloquist~ You should say that.
Charlie~I t’s true, and I didn’t say it. I wrote it in a note.
Ventriloquist~ You’d better be careful.
Charlie~ Oh I was careful. I crossed all my tees, dotted my eyes, and started the sentences with a capital letter.
Ventriloquist~ I mean, be careful, or you’ll get caught.
The teacher will find the note.
Charlie~Y ou’re right. The teacher did find the note.
Ventriloquist~ See. I bet you are in big trouble.
Charlie~ No—not really. I signed your name on it.
Ventriloquist~ Charlie. Well, never mind. I want to talk to the audience about what it is like working with a dummy./
Charlie~ Oh allow me. Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen I have suffered . I have relly suffered
Ventriloquist~ Charlie, you are the dummy.
Charlie~ Teacher, teacher, (Ventriloquist Name) called me a dummy.
Ventriloquist~Lots of people call you a dummy.
Charlie~ Oh my self-esteem. Don’t you read the research? How can I learn with low self esteem?C all the school counselor, I need an appointment with a couch.
Ventriloquist~J ust be quite why I talk.
Charlie~ Ok. dumb dumb dumb dum.
Ventriloquist~ Charlie. Now remember when I said that you can make between
seventy-five dollars and two thousand dollars, if you become a puppeteer.
Charlie~ You don’t say.
Ventriloquist~ Well, the two thousand dollars is earned in ventriloquism, the fact is I told a tiny little white lie.
Charlie~ So you told a tiny little white lie? What did you tell me last night when I told an itsy bitsy, tiny little white lie, when you asked me if I ate the last cookie in the cookie jar?
It was really more of a joke rather than a lie. When I said $2,000 dollars an hour, I meant $2,000 for fifteen minutes.
Charlie~ Do you notice anyone laughing? Anyway, I certainly hope this school can afford for this act.
Ventriloquist~ Oh, we don’t get that much money, Charlie.
You have to be really good at ventriloquism.
Charlie~ Well, I am good, I’m very good. Look, is my mouth moving?
Ventriloquist~ I’m the one who doesn’t move my mouth while you are talking. Anyway, the team has to be really good.
Charlie~ So I’m looking for another ventriloquist. Any volunteers?
Ventriloquist~T he fact is, most professional puppeteers say that you need to start
in elementary school to be a truly great ventriloquist.
Charlie~ Well, I’m Ok, but you are in deep dodo, Penelope.
Ventriloquist~ Say goodbye, Charlie.
Charlie~ Goodbye, Charlie.
Charlie screams, “Help, no help,help “as the ventriloquist
puts him in his box.
Charlie~ Goodbye, Charlie.
Charlie screams, “Help, no help, help “as the ventriloquist
puts him in his box.